September 27th, 2021
There was a hangout that was thrown at my family's old home and my friends from college came. My sister sat with one who looked upset and when I approached he took a sharp breath as if holding back tears. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying. I held his hand as he metaphorically pointed his finger at me. "You said you would call and I never heard back from you. I wanted to be your friend and waited but it never happened." I thanked him for his bravery and struggled with what to think and do.
This really hurt because in the waking world I've heard this same thing from different people on multiple occasions. Worse still, it's true. My friends want my time and I don't know how to give it. It was easier in school because we were all physically close to one another.
After hearing this from a friend on the 26th in the waking world, I began to think about this more seriously. I've lost many friends this way as I've always struggled with calling or texting people. I don't even know why. Phones are meant to help cross this divide but I don't reach for them as I could. It's easy for me to make friends but I don't know how to keep them.
At college, this was easy because my friends were close, but not anymore. I'm distant from people I know and close to those I've just met. Why? How? The reality is that I honestly don't know why. When I was little I lost contact with my two best friends and my cousins because I never called or wrote to them. I always thought about it but I never did it. Why couldn't I just pick up that phone? Why can't I just pick up the phone and make those calls like I want to? For some reason, I really struggle holding onto those that I care about.
A question I asked myself during work as I ponder those things; how do I find the time to live/experience life when I'm busy trying to write about it?
I have two ideas. My blog comes from dreams. Maybe in dry seasons where dreams are few, I live my life. This is hard because I dream every day. So a dry season can end quickly or randomly as long as the dream is remembered. Better than nothing I'd suppose. The second idea is something I heard from a YouTuber named Anna Akana. She appears in the 2015 movie "Ant-man." I will link her video below.
In a video titled "The Secret to Female Friendship", she expresses how she and her friends choose to overcome this divide by doing busy things together. You can all meet up and work on projects separately while being in the same room. Grocery shop together, carpool to things you have planned, and while one is busy maybe the others grab a bite to eat and then carpool to the next person's thing.
This reminds me of stuff I did in college with my friends where we would study together, play games, watched movies and did our laundry. It worked out nicely. Just because I don't know what to do does not mean I should do nothing at all. Maybe the next time we hang out I'll bring my laundry. You clean your kitchen and I will do some homework while running a few loads of laundry until our busy schedules call for us once again. As long as we're together does it matter what we do?
The Conclusion: I have not been a good friend.
Dream: September 27th, 2021
"Just because I don't know what to do does not mean I should do nothing at all." This is the next weakness that I possess which was addressed by another dream on this same day.
In this dream, I was an actor with my brother and friends inside of a monstrous movie set. Think something like "The Trueman Show." The set could have easily been as big as a small town, but it looked like the inside of a gigantic mall at certain spots and a city at others. In the movie, I had a kid out of wedlock and was struggling with the idea of fatherhood. I don't remember much but the dream reminded me of a show called "The Chosen" in concept but with ninjas. Not sure why as I forgot to record many of the details for the ninja side of the dream. The only thing I remember is heading to the wedding of a young woman I had fallen in love with. She had no idea about my feelings and I had no intention of telling her. I had come as an invited guest for her and her fiance, despite the pain, I was glad to support them both. Getting there was the ninja part, I crossed rooftops with my friends under the cover of night or simply a blackened sky. Not sure why we were being so dramatic but it was pretty cool.
Anywho, I next remember being in the big mall-like building I mentioned earlier. I had found myself falling several stories over a ledge towards the ground. Somehow I caught myself at a second-floor railing and managed to pull myself up and over. Below on the first floor was a deep darkness that seemed to fill all the stores and hallways. Only below the central opening was there any visible light, though faint. After catching myself I began to explore a little. The feeling that I had here was that this place was somehow an expression of myself, but I don't understand precisely how. The sound of my movements had then begun to attract the attention of an onlooker, an old man in a strange uniform, sadly I can't remember any of the intricacies of it. He was surprisingly nice. He asked me about the noise and I said it was an accident. As we stepped into the wider halls of this place I could see how vast it truly was. Just from what I could see it had to have been over eight stories tall. The man asked if maybe I was sleep talking, a strange question for sure. I did not think so and informed him of such, on the contrary, I was thinking but not really talking to anyone.
The nameless gentleman pulled up a screen attached to another railing to show me a recording of the real world I believe. He asked me if I had been playing a game that I enjoy called "Kingdom hearts" and I said yes, the game could also be seen on the screen for a moment. But I also informed the man that I had been lost in thought.
To give you context for the next part, I typically dream in the third person, not the first person perspective. So this third-person perspective view entered into the screen we were looking at and in this new location, I found myself sitting in the middle of a man-made river. Sitting as if in meditation. To my right the water was shallow and towards my left, the water was much deeper. The bed of this man-made river was full of tiny little rocks. Odd enough the water was moving from my left to my right as if flowing in reverse. As I sat there I was confronted by friends and family standing outside the water and begging me to get out of the small 10 to 15 ft wide river. As I began to become distracted and stood up I sank into the water which appeared now much deeper. They wanted me to go to the right and exit. But I couldn't see the exit and started heading left and into deeper waters. Why should I believe yall I cried? No matter where I go there is water in my face (I felt like I was drowning and was distraught. To my right the waters were shallow, the water shot up like geysers. No matter where I went I would feel like I was drowning. So for a moment, I laid down. As mentioned above. This was my thinking place. A picture of my mind and where I would go to find peace. But I was in a dangerous position where a disturbance shook me until I was confused and close to drowning.
But after that, a young woman pulled my arm and insisted I get up. Red creatures, like barnacles, were attached to my hands then immediately latched onto hers and she pulled back in shock and surprise. It was referred to as a sexually transmitted disease and I had begun healing from her touch, I also had a daughter but I never saw her. No, I don't have a kid or a sexually transmitted disease in real life. Somewhere around this part, a man confronts me where I lay saying, don't lie to yourself. I was not confused and I knew where I was had not been a good place. I knew going right was safe and that going left was dangerous but I chose not to go there. Then the man (Messiah in my opinion) was gone as quickly as he had appeared.
The dream changes again near-instantly and I found myself sitting with my family and friends, watching the film we had just finished producing. Playing the ninja was my favorite part and the scene we had just watched was one of the most difficult for me. My dad said that this should be added to my resume and the dream ends here.
My head is not always a safe place for me. Sometimes I go there to drown in my thoughts. Knowing how to leave that terrible place and that I should have little impact on my willingness to do so. I tend to lie to myself to make things easier for me, I've done this for a long time. I don't necessarily believe the lies but I tell them anyway. This is what my mind is like. I stay close to the water. Sometimes standing still is how I grasp for a sense of peace. But it only lasts for as long as I can keep my head above water, in my desperation, it can last a bit longer.
This is me
Anna Akana
https://youtu.be/sGEV9RpzasY
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